Well I'm not used to this yet. And I pray for and get breakthroughs every day.


I was working on our Lid Off The Box website. I've been making dramatic progress since Mum died...

I was cutting and pasting across different sites which is absolutely amazing to do. You copy a page on one site, open another site and then paste in what you clipped (so where is it?) And... Voila, there it is! This is awesome beyond belief against workflows working in Wordpress that I've experienced to date.

Here's the page...

Well I've created a front page for Lid Off The Box and I was adding in red buttons and details. I love it. If you look closely you can see a very young Benjamin hiding away.

I spent 10 years in Ipswich with my family above this room in a tiny two bed rented flat and this was the studio I was creating below. It got used twice. Then I left for Canada! I know. We did have a lovely view over the marina and I could walk to my coffee shop and sit next to the lovely boats so it wasn't too dreadful.

Anyway... I've got the pictures of this time and they are a huge part of my story of searching. Currently it's the front page of but I'm developing the

site daily so you may get another if you click the link. Or maybe not.


I wrote a One Man section below this picture and paraphrased the story that I've been involved in for many many years. It's the battle for freedom. What was so very different was the question I asked at the end.

My breakthrough was this.

I have been afraid of what is against me. In my mind or in the potential response of a person. I've been protecting myself. I have always seemed to stir people up. I've discovered that I am officially a Rebel (from a Gretchen Rubin book - internal and external Rebel apparently). So as Gretchen says, 'I can be a nightmare.' But, what rebels are great at is being a stand for righteousness. They cannot abide injustice.

Every day over the kitchen table from my earliest years mum spoke of the deals being done. And I had to shake hands and smile at those judges she had spoken of at events and go do their events to curry favour. Hmmm... What would you say Gretchen?

I always stand for righteousness (as I see it), this can make people uncomfortable. I also hate with a passion the word 'compromise' and the outcome it delivers. My interpretation - both parties get less than they want - both loose. I'm a stand for WIN - WIN or don't play that Stephen Covey proposes in his Seven Habits.

Anyway - I speak out when I believe something is not right.

Or at least I used to... till I hid away for years.


My insight comes in the last line in the summary. What are they afraid of?

I've always been thinking from my perspective of course. I am the victim. Indeed, I was so used to being the victim that I wanted to be the victim, it was home. I know... Doesn't sound good, but that was the truth.

But how about thinking from the enemy's perspective? Whatever and whoever the enemy is? What if I do upset them? Because I do upset them! Why should it stop me?

And somehow, as I showed this to Christiane a light bulb went on.

When I (or perhaps any of us) step out to stand against an injustice, we stir up something, we will make others afraid, or we will stir something up in them... So that's good. Particularly if you are a stand for what we believe is good.

Because when GOOD shines then BAD/EVIL hates it and.... is 'AFRAID OF IT.'


There must be something in the stepping out, something in the stand that makes a difference and can overcome the fear? So they shout, bully, respond with intimidation. Or those demons on your shoulder kick off big time. It's 'The Screwtape Letters' in real time.

And how fantastic that it/they are afraid.

It means that I/we are doing something that has value. And we should carry on. They are on the back foot. Not me.

Woah.... Now that - is - BIG for me.

So if I crave acceptance and to be liked by them? They can control me by their response. If I don't give two hoots of a donkeys left ear then THEY DON'T CONTROL ME.


I once heard a combative colleague on a TV show say he 'didn't care what they thought.' I rationalised that he did care, I did care, but maybe I didn't. I over complicated it as per usual.

Perhaps, for me, it's that I am not defined by what you think and in this way - I truly do not care about your response. It will not affect me. I am secure in who I am and what I stand for.

And I DO CARE - about freedom, righteousness, honesty, loyalty to the absent and justice...

I suppose, bottom line, when the candle light burns, the darkness flees... Time to light the candle and put it on the lamp stand then as the good book would advise.

And I need to get used to upsetting people again. And not bothering one way or the other.

Love N

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